Running Away

Last Sunday (and for a couple of weeks before that) I had an emotionally charged day. Some spiritual friends of mine are going through some rough family times, and watching them struggle through it is bringing up my past. After a good deal of confession and angst, I went home at 5pm feeling like a wrung out wet blanket. And then was relieved that I wouldn't have cause to interact with my spiritual family for almost two weeks. Why did this make me relieved? Well, I think Oswald Chambers said it best today,

"The true test of our spirituality occurs when we come up against injustice, degradation, ingratitude, and turmoil, all of which have the tendency to make us spiritually lazy. While being tested, we want to use prayer and Bible reading for the purpose of finding a quiet retreat. We use God only for the sake of getting peace and joy. We seek only our enjoyment of Jesus Christ, not a true realization of Him. This is the first step in the wrong direction. All these things we are seeking are simply effects, and yet we try to make them causes. "

So as Hebrews 10 commands, my spiritual brothers and sisters, whether they mean to or not, have been stirring me up and I've been tempted to retreat. I know I need to reach out, even in the midst of this turmoil and not seek peace, but seek what God has for me in this moment.

In other retreat news, Scott, Andrew and I are headed off for a day of hot air balloon watching in Wausau Wisconsin. We hope for those nearly perfect conditions that are necessary for a good sunset balloon launch. Pictures to come in the next day or two if it comes off!

Escalade

Scott and I have been seeing tons of Escalades lately and so the other day while on the road we rang up Lisa and asked her to look up the meaning for us. It was "an act of scaling, especially the walls of a fortification" Both Scott and I have felt a clearing of our schedules, a feeling that we are being prepared for the next thing.
The definition of escalade rang true to that feeling. Yesterday, during an impromptu women's prayer meeting after church at the Olson's, Zeke was sitting on the floor chanting to himself, "Jerico, Jerico, Jerico" and I thought, yep, there is a fortification that was scaled, in an entirely different way.

So we wait, to find out if we will be using the standard ladders to scale the walls of the fortress we are to conquer next, or if instead we will take a less common path and dance around singing until they fall down at God's bidding.

Oh, and we don't actually know what the walls are yet either...but that is okay.

BAM!

Oswald Chambers says,

There are some people who are totally unemployable in the spiritual realm. They are spiritually feeble and weak, and they refuse to do anything unless they are supernaturally inspired. The proof that our relationship is right with God is that we do our best whether we feel inspired or not.

One of the worst traps a Christian worker can fall into is to become obsessed with his own exceptional moments of inspiration. When the Spirit of God gives you a time of inspiration and insight, you tend to say, "Now that I’ve experienced this moment, I will always be like this for God." No, you will not, and God will make sure of that. Those times are entirely the gift of God. You cannot give them to yourself when you choose. If you say you will only be at your best for God, as during those exceptional times, you actually become an intolerable burden on Him. You will never do anything unless God keeps you consciously aware of His inspiration to you at all times. If you make a god out of your best moments, you will find that God will fade out of your life, never to return until you are obedient in the work He has placed closest to you, and until you have learned not to be obsessed with those exceptional moments He has given you.

Hungry or Milk?

Lisa and I have talked on and off the last few months about teaching Ben some sign language.  Many believe that infants can learn sign language to communicate earlier than they have the necessary development to form verbal language.  We haven't settled on any specific vocabulary yet and I have been exploring options, as has Lisa.

My thought process was to include a list of four or five words that would be the things Benjamin would be most likely to want to communicate to us, his caregivers.  At first I looked up words like milk and banana, diaper and up.  But as I was again thinking about what words would be helpful yesterday, I explored the options for words that describe his state more than a demand for a specific item, such as hungry, thirsty, wet or sad.

In thinking about prayer, I think some of us choose to communicate with words like milk and up, rather than words like hungry and sad.  We come to our Provider with a list, based on our understanding of the solutions to our problems instead of trusting Him to find the best answer.  Instead, I want to come to Him with a confession of my state, be it hungry, or something more pressing, and trust that He will lead me to a solution far better than my limited mind can comprehend.

God's Way vs Our Way

Sometimes when we are teaching Andrew something new in math, he tries to wrestle the control of the conversation away, and in an annoyed tone, tells us he already knows how to do the problem.  Sometimes he is able to stumble through, but usually its a long painful process.  Other times, of course he has no clue and so he sits in stony silence, an impasse reached, as he refuses to be taught and yet cannot solve his own problem.

Yesterday, Lisa and I were talking about her cousin.  She has a rare form of leukemia and will be receiving treatment gratis at the Mayo Clinic because they want to study this cancer.  The doctors chose her course of action, which requires her to spend 10 months in hospital, receiving a very intense cocktail of chemotherapy.  Her chances are slim, but they believe without this treatment they are nonexistent.  Most of us know about chemo and radiation.  They are our main defense against cancer at this time, and are poisonous.  The chemicals of the chemo are killers and we direct them toward the cancer, asking them to kill the out of control cancer cells to free the body from their tyranny.  With radiation, we use a carefully controlled high level of killer particles to more precisely target the spot where the cancer cells have been spotted.  Often, there are harsh side effects to these treatments.  Sometimes these treatments do eliminate the cancer.

This is not an entry on being teachable or whether or not cancer should be treated.  Those are just allegories to demonstrate God's way versus our way in all areas of our life.  

So often we think we know what we need.  Sometimes we correctly identify the problem, the thing that must be uprooted from our lives so that we can live fully, but then we take off toward dangerous and incomplete solutions.  Sometimes we know there is something we need to be taught, but we stubbornly refuse to listen, and instead remain stuck in a place of discomfort and incompletion.  Our true Teacher and Physician "shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory" (Philippians 4:19)

I Corinthians 3:18-20 Let no one deceive himself.  If anyone among you seems to be wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise.  For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God.  For it is written, "He catches the wise in their own craftiness" and again, "The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise, that they are futile."

I want to continue to seek God's solution to my problems.  I want to learn what He has for me to learn, the easy way, by listening to Him.  I want to seek His healing in my life, a healing that only gives new life and doesn't harm the good in me.

In Christ Alone

Every morning on the way to work I usually get blessed with a song that sings right to where I'm at that day.  This is an old favorite that I was reminded of this morning.  Lyrics below and then two songs on my player with the same title, I really like them both!

"In Christ Alone"
Words and Music by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend
Copyright © 2001 Kingsway Thankyou Music

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

Hymn Challenge

When I saw these pictures which we took a few weeks ago, I immediately thought of the lyrics to the song "On Christ the Solid Rock" a hymn I've been singing since I was in diapers.

I challenge you to do a layout using the lyrics to an old hymn with a photo of yourself.  It should be a hymn that has a deep history and speaks to you deep inside.  I especially liked using this photo because so many put their faith in government or other things in this world, and our hope needs to be on Jesus only.  I love the dichotomy of the photo and the message.

We are Stained Inside

The words to the Casting Crowns song Stained Glass Masquerade are always powerful to me. They represent a struggle I had most of my life, the struggle to be real amidst a sea of regular, of good, of unreal. That sounds judgemental and harsh, but the judgement is all on me. Like the television set that is in 98% of American homes, but which does not grace ours, I do not condemn either the church or the television; it is an indictment of my weak and wandering will, which seeks fitting in and pleasure far more than it should. Is worshiping at the church on the corner wrong? I cannot say that it is for you or you. But for me it was impossible. It was an exercise filled each moment with doubt and hypocrisy, it was straightening my skirt and struggling to hear the truth behind the beautiful music and mostly counting the number of boards in the lovely steepled roof.

I tried a monastic sort of relationship with God; just he and I and no one else invited. I faltered here too, because the very influences that drew me to shiny plasticity, were also strangely what kept me on course, what kept me coming back to God and working on our relationship.

And then God led me down a road that I didn't even know was possible, but for which my heart had been longing all my life. It really isn't a road though, its a barely visible trail, just a few footsteps in the snow really, more of a track.

And that track is what I now call church. I'm sure over 150 people have come and gone down this track, some continue to walk it, some got back on the larger road, many stopped moving all together.

There is no room for pomp and circumstance, there is no place for performance, there is just real people, really trying to have a real relationship with God, and really asking for each other's help. Sometimes in the aftermath of a Sunday at our house I find a travel mug left behind. Sometimes I find a piece of my heart I had given up on. Always I find that our differences, which are many, are left with our shoes and coats at the door of each home we meet in.

I am nostalgic and appreciative of this great church home we have found at last. And yet, if I have learned anything in these five years, it is not to cling too tightly to this place, this group. Only God, only where His track leads me, only that and nothing more or less. Perhaps I will turn around and find that God is leading me back to the steepled, stained glass corner church.

But for now I am to stay with this group of people whose stained glass windows shine out from their hearts and souls.

What Life Would Be Like

Big Daddy Weave Lyrics - What Life Would Be Like Lyrics

I wish I was more of a man
Have you ever felt that way
And if I had to tell you the truth
I’m afraid I’d have to say
That after all I’ve done and failed to do
I feel like less than I was meant to be

What if I could fix myself
Maybe then I could get free
I could try to be somebody else
Whose much better off than me
But I need to remember this
That it’s when I’m at my weakest
I can clearly see

He made the lame walk
And the dumb talk
He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on His time
Yet He knows our deepest desperate need
And the world waits
While His heart aches
To realize the dream
I wonder what life would be like
If we let Jesus live through you and me

What if you could see yourself
Through another pair of eyes
What if you could hear the truth
Instead of old familiar lies
And what if you could feel inside
The power of the hand that made the universe
You realize

All our lives we’ve longed for more

So let us lay our lives before the one
Who gave His life for us

Jadon Lavik What If

What if I climbed that mountain,

 what if I swam to that shore 

What if every battle was victorious then would you love me more 

Would you love me more 

What if I were everyone’s first choice, 

what if I went farther than before 

What if I stood high above the rest 

than would you love me more  

Would you love me more  

You say I belong to you 

apart from the things I do 

You say I belong to you 

I’m in awe of why you do 

Why you do, why you do, I’m in awe of you, ooh  

What if I ignored the hand that fed me, 

what if I forgot to confess 

What if I stumbled down that mountain 

then would you love me less 

Lord would you love me less  

What if I were everyones last choice 

what if I mixed in with the rest 

What if I failed what I passed before then 

would you love me less lord would you would you love me less, 

oh no oh no oh no  

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do 

You say I belong to you I’m in awe of why you do 

You do you do you do  

What have I done to deserve your son sent to die for me  

What can I give I want to live give me eyes to see 

In a world that keeps changin’ there’s one thing that I know is true 

Your love is stayin’ there’s nothing else I’ll hold onto  

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do 

You say I belong to you I’m in awe of why you do Why you do  

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do 

You say I belong to you I’m in awe of why you do

 I’m in awe of you I’m in awe of you  

The way you love me, the way you do 

The way you do , the way you love me, you love me , you love me 

The way you do the way you do the way you love me,  the way you love you love you love