2009 In Review

I try to do a post every year that is a quick look back at the year before. This time I thought I'd punctuate it with scrapbook pages I made in 2009 that relate to the topics. I'll have that slideshow up tomorrow. For today, the words and a sneak peek.


Overall, it was a quiet year. That may seem odd after you read the list of things that happened this year, but if you compare that to the craziness that usually takes place in a year of my life, trust me, it was quiet!

January brought resurfacing on the Tallyscrapper design team and a new job as a nanny for Ben Heil. I discovered that it isn't just my children I love; its ALLL children!

In February I turned 45 and Jason got his own apartment. I loved seeing this goal he'd had for a couple years come to fruition!

In March we had some sadness. Scott's mom died after a lengthy, difficult illness, and 10 days later my uncle died. Also in this month I left Tallyscrapper and had my 13th wedding anniversary.

In April the kids next door, Konner and Kiley became long term fixtures at our house. We discovered Konner didn't have his own bed or a room to sleep in, and bought a used bed so he could share Andrew's room, having him over often at first. I realized that is wasn't just other babies I loved, but even big, unruly kids!

In May I got my Saturn back and loved the added freedom on the weekends. On Memorial Day weekend Mom and Dad invited us to their cabin, and Andrew and I were able to go. We had a lovely time.

In June we finalized the paperwork and Andrew was accepted to Connections Academy. We had decided to give this new approach to education a try.

In July, after several months of only occasionally scrapbooking, I decided a better use for the sunroom was a library, and the famous Minda Scraproom closed for business. It wasn't until December that the project of dismantling the room would be fully completed. We worked on a new budgeting system and liked it. We tried kayaking for the first time. I embarked wholeheartedly on a total exercise program, making a lifelong commitment to working out every day that I possibly could and harder than I ever thought possible.

In August my bike was stolen. But more happily, we decided to be trendy and have a "staycation" which we thoroughly enjoyed! At the end of the month I finished my time as Ben's nanny and bid a fond farewell.

In September started Connections Academy, went on his first camping trip without us and had a great time, and at the end of the month, he earned a Nintendo DS. For kicks I bought one too. Our friends and family went into shock.

In October I went on a FABULOUS trip to Kansas City, where I reconnected with some highschool friends and just had a wonderful Minda-style vacation. It is not often that one can say that every minute of a vacation was filled with wonder. This is one of those rare moments. At the end of October Andrew requested a costume for Halloween that he designed, called Cabbage Creature. The three of us had a fun time putting that together.

In November I decided THIS was the year, and I wrote, every day, at least 1,670 words a day, thus completing a 50,000 word novel. Since much of it was drivel, it will probably more likely become two short stories pitched to magazines, but it was great to meet this goal I've had for many years. I also ran a 5k with Erin, Scott and Andrew, or more accurately I ran a 5k and then ran back to meet them. It was fun and I'm sure it will become a regular part of our Thanksgiving day activities. We got some upsetting news at the Thanksgiving Dinner table, namely that my parents are planning to move to Arizona in a little over a year.

December this year was one primarily made up of quiet reflection and penny pinching. We were more at peace than usual when money gets tight, and made it through just fine. We also "moved in together". Many know that Scott and I, although very much in love, moved to seperate bedrooms some time ago to promote better sleep patterns. Suddenly toward the end of the year we were both convicted to give togetherness another try. We both are very happy with this "new" arrangement.

Overall, 2009 was an odd year for me. I experienced HUGE spiritual and personal growth, which is sort of a hard thing to document on scrapbook pages. I did work on several spiritual journal pages though, although I'd have to say most of my growth this year happened toward the end, while the pages were all made early in the year. I can look back to where I was at mentally a year ago and see huge changes that have settled in and taken root. These are changes that have made me less susceptible to the winds of change and other people's moods. I would say that this was a year of grounding for me.

Coinkydink? I think nicht.

This morning, I became "friends" with Laura Solomon on facebook. I "know" Laura from days of yore in scrappy land, "met" her online at Scrapbooks.com or some other similar site, fell hard for her hard core journaled scrapbook pages, had a few little chit chats with her.
Shortly after befriending her on facebook this am she posted this:

If we could share the REAL story, we could let others know they are not alone. YOUR secret- YOUR biggest shame, YOUR best lesson learned could HELP someone ELSE! We are all just as sick as our secrets so KEEP IT REAL and help someone else...

It of course immediately reminded me of a major theme in the book I am writing (yes Virginia I really am at a word count exceeding 31,000) and I told her so. Turns out she just wrote a book too, same deal, and is seeking a publisher.

Later in the day a signal went off in my head that it was time to listen to a cassette tape that I had had for many years. It is a recording off the radio, of my grandfather being interviewed on his local station. I knew this and knew it contained his testimony, but for years I haven't been able to listen to it. Today I knew it was time.

I decided not only to listen to it once all the way through, but I played it back slowly and wrote a transcript of much of what he said, and added it in to my book. It sort of sticks out right now, I have to find the right segway to it, but I'm happy to have it written down for later folding in.

When I was getting ready to take my handwritten notes and translate them into a typed copy I started screwing around on the internet because I was dragging my feet. 2000 words of typing really isn't my idea of fun times. I was looking into just how popular the Pioneer Woman, who comes to the Mall of America this weekend, really is (#18 bestseller on amazon.com) and stumbled across Stephen King's newest book.

Scott and I had a lengthy conversation about Mr. King when we first met, and I think our shared interest in him was one of the things that caught my eye about Scott. Anyway I was whining again about how far down his writing had fallen in later years, and Scott asked if I had read any of this book. So I pulled up an exerpt and actually, as an aside, it sounded pretty good. Gruesome but good.

Anyway, on this site he talks about telling the truth and he quotes "you're only as sick as your secrets" and credits AA with this tenant.

Later in the evening I was researching the radio station that interviewed my Grandfather, and the verse of the day on their website? "Sanctify them by the truth; Your word is truth." John 17:17.

Hmmm...

So bottom line is: I want no sickness, no secrets. We'll see if I can actually pull that off.

You may have noticed that although I am posting updated word counts each day, I'm not posting any content on this blog. Turns out once I finished the rough draft of the KC Trip story and moved on to the flashbacks I felt significantly less comfortable posting the notes online.

I'm sleeping on Grandfather's entry tonight and whether I should post it.

I'll let you know!

The Unspeakable

This is THAT post. The one that talks about the things we are not to talk about. The unspeakable things. What in your life is "off limits"? What things are you afraid to share?

I was raised in a home where the list of unspeakables was L O N G. I mean like train long. I mean like DNA strand long. Posting that fact right there is one of my unspeakables. It is not/was not okay to talk about the way I was raised with anything other than glowing praise. I don't know why. I'm not sure what would have happened if I had talked. Probably nothing. Or a little disapproval, but nothing serious. So I didn't not because of what the consequences might be, but I just didn't...because.

Like music. I didn't listen to "popular" music for the most part growing up. I didn't blast rock tunes from the radio in my bedroom. I just didn't. Was I forbidden to? I don't think so, but I'm just not sure. I just knew that it wasn't done.

I really only remember one command I received from my parents of something I was NOT to do...it was that I was NOT to have sex before I was married. Maybe they did better with the subtle approach, because it was the things I "just knew" not to do that I didn't do, and this one forbidden was something I did.

Other unspeakables that are far more current include my involvement with a website that I was all wrapped up in. I spent MOST of my free time (and some that wasn't so free) investing in this place. I made a few friends. Took a trip. Then the season passed and I found myself uninterested. I realized through a few incidents that online is not REAL for many people. That the personae people put on there was not who they really were. I removed myself from the center stage and still occasionally checked in to see what was up. Now, a few months later I shake my head. The behavior of some people is so sickening to me. Even typing that word I worry. How sad is that? I worry about the repercussions of typing my opinion on my own personal blog. But what I discovered is that there are some people in this world that just aren't good. You know? Aren't wholesome, aren't above board, twist things, aren't decent.

Now I'm far, far, far from perfect, I can't even see perfect from where I'm at, but I hope that the real me comes through, that I try to keep things decent, even if they are a bit raw. I worry that in pandering to that group I stepped outside of myself and did things I will regret. Said things that weren't true to me and my beliefs. I hope I didn't, but I guess without analyzing every word I can't be sure.

Another unspeakable I've been dealing with lately is friendship. I know, what is unspeakable about friendship? Well, things like loyalty. What does it all mean? And really taking a hard look at myself and realizing how hard I fight to keep people at arms length. And looking at why. Looking at all the people who were supposed to love me without reserve, who judged, abandoned and discouraged me. I had a breakdown a few weeks ago and admitted that the only person in my WHOLE LIFE who has stood by me through thick and thin is Scott. That is SCARY. Scary because that is too many people who ditched out on me. Scary because losing Scott means losing that one person who I feel I can totally trust. Scary because it puts a lot of pressure on him, you know? There are others in my life right now that I believe care about me and that I want to trust. But I'm afraid. So I push them away. Its a "me first" mentality, doing it before they do it to me. Ugh. I know what I need to do. I need to reframe my trust to be in God alone. I know that in fully meditating and focusing on the fact that God is all I need, that I am filled up by His love and grace, is what will save me from this fear.

So, what are your unspeakables? What are the things that keep you up some nights, but you just don't feel like its okay to get them out there.

Ch-ch-ch-cha-changes

Beverage of choice; no longer coffee
Favorite music; Led Zepplin and Jefferson Airplane
Favorite time of day; early morning
The Bachelor/Bachelorette; OUT!
Scrapbooking; infrequently

Its all shocking and strange, the unsought after changes that have been happening lately. I have no idea what is up, but I'm calm about it and waiting for what comes next.

Oh, and since I'm rarely scrapbooking these days, look at the transformation in my scraproom




I gotta go now, its almost my bedtime and I have some Rolling Stones to check out.

Paulo Coelho says...

"Answer me, " she said, looking around my apartment.  "Is learning just putting things on a shelf or is it discarding whatever is no longer useful and then continuing on your way feeling lighter?"

On the shelves were all the books I'd invested so much money and time in buying, reading, and annotating.  They were my personality, my education, my true teachers.

"How many books have you got?  Over a thousand, I'd say.  But most of them you'll probably never open again.  You hang on to them because you don't believe."

"I don't believe?"

"No, you don't believe, full stop.  Anyone who believes will go and read up about [insert subject here] but after that it is a question of letting [the Creator] speak through you and making discoveries as [Creator] speaks.  And as you make those discoveries, you'll manage to fill in the blank spaces that all those writers left there on purpose to provoke the reader's imagination.  And when you fill in the spaces, you'll start to believe in your own abilities."

How many people would love to read those books but don't have the money to buy them?  Meanwhile, you sit here surrounded by all this stagnant energy, purely to impress the friends who visit you.  Or is it that you don't feel you've learned anything from them and need to consult them again?"

I thought she was being rather hard on me, and that intrigued me.

"So you don't think I need this library?"

"I think you need to read, but why hang on to all these books?  Would it be asking too much if we were to leave here right now, and before going to the restaurant, distribute most of them to whomever we happened to pass in the street?"

"They wouldn't all fit in my car."

"We could hire a truck."

"But then we wouldn't get to the restaurant in time for supper.  Besides, you came here because you were feeling insecure, not in order to tell me what I should do with my books.  Without them I'd feel naked."

"Ignorant, you mean."

"Uncultivated would be the right word."

"So your culture isn't in your heart, its on your bookshelves."

Paulo, you speak my heart!

At our door

Last night we found out that the lovely next door neighbor boy that we have so been enjoying these last few weeks has been diagnosed with ADHD and will begin medication today.  Of course we are not criticizing the mom's choice...we realize the utter luxury of our opinion, in that we have formed a lifestyle, at great cost, which affords us the right to handle our boy in a different manner.  The child looked worried, but said in the end it will just be like taking his allergy medicine, right?  Every encounter with this approach renews my efforts to continue to find ways to help Andrew learn to focus naturally.  Because you see Andrew exhibits a far higher concentration of ADHD behaviors than this boy...in fact both Scott and I were SHOCKED to hear that he had received such a diagnosis.  Last night I had two nightmares about lost boys...the first about this child, where I was rushing, as one always does in nightmares, to try to save him from some great harm.  Andrew came into my room in the middle of that nightmare and slept with me for an hour because he too was having bad dreams.  Then, later just before dawn I dreamed Andrew was locked inside a school and they would not give him back.  They tricked me into leaving, then wouldn't answer the intercom when I tried to get back in to him.  Rough night...

Some Changes are a comin'

I've made a decision over the last few weeks about my internet time.  After I returned to work fulltime in January, I noticed a real struggle to keep my time balanced.  Seems that if you add 36 hours to your weekly schedule you have to give some things up!  Who knew!?!  Hehe!

Anyway, a couple of the changes I am making are relating to my online time.  Most of my readers know that Tallyscrapper.com has been a huge and important part of my life for the last two years.  A week after discovering my brother had a brain tumor, I found the perfect means of escape in this lovely community of hard core scrappers.  What I loved the most about Tally is that the members there were REAL scrappers.  The kind that love scrapbooking because of the actual scrapbook pages, not because of fame or fortune or just buying stuff (although Lord knows we do plenty of that too!)  I have never felt so at home anywhere else...in my life!  That is saying something!

About a year ago I decided to scale back my involvement there by removing myself from the staff.  After nine months of that I realized that I just kept my involvement at the same level and wasn't getting the benefits of being part of the team, so I tried out for the temporary team again, and was honored to be chosen again.  My three months on the temp team end in a few days.  I have found that Tally is not something I can do part way.  I found myself involved beyond the expectations of the site owner, and the other staff.  I found myself wanting to have a bigger and bigger role on the site.  And I found that my family was annoyed by just how little time they were getting with me between working fulltime and Tally.  Well, I need the money, so I'm afraid my online time is what is going to have to give.

I will be stepping back from Tally for at least the time being.  I will seriously miss those that I have come to love through that wonderful, supportive place.  I am very thankful to the staff for what they have done for me over the years.  

I will of course continue to scrapbook, but will be posting my pages here instead of there.  I will still be on facebook, as it is a great way to settle down for the night.  I will still have email and a telephone.

I'm sure my heart will hurt a little bit as I miss this community that has been part of my everyday for over 700 days.

Too Much Yes

This  week was my first full week of working (if you can call my dream job working!)  In addition I made a cake, went to a birthday party, stayed away from home one night, wrote a blog post for tally, made six layouts and three cards with the kit for tally, wrote 50 personalized challenges, took Andrew to Mall of America for the evening, and had people over two nights.  It was too much.

I woke this morning and melted down. A combination of not enough down time and not enough sleep and too much yes. This new week will be better.  I will take care of me first so I have reserves for everyone else.  I will say no when I can't.  I will be gentle with myself.

Scott was wonderful this morning talking me down from my ledge and giving me the morning off.  Andrew was great this afternoon snuggling me and just being a happy kid.

And I got one very important task done that I've been putting off since the wedding.  Ahhhh, new starts!

Google Chrome

I mean it. Do it right now. Go to a search engine, type in Google Chrome and do yourself a huge favor. Download it.

I feel like I have a whole new computer. Browsing at lightning speed. Tracking that makes sense. Ahhhhh....