The Unspeakable

This is THAT post. The one that talks about the things we are not to talk about. The unspeakable things. What in your life is "off limits"? What things are you afraid to share?

I was raised in a home where the list of unspeakables was L O N G. I mean like train long. I mean like DNA strand long. Posting that fact right there is one of my unspeakables. It is not/was not okay to talk about the way I was raised with anything other than glowing praise. I don't know why. I'm not sure what would have happened if I had talked. Probably nothing. Or a little disapproval, but nothing serious. So I didn't not because of what the consequences might be, but I just didn't...because.

Like music. I didn't listen to "popular" music for the most part growing up. I didn't blast rock tunes from the radio in my bedroom. I just didn't. Was I forbidden to? I don't think so, but I'm just not sure. I just knew that it wasn't done.

I really only remember one command I received from my parents of something I was NOT to do...it was that I was NOT to have sex before I was married. Maybe they did better with the subtle approach, because it was the things I "just knew" not to do that I didn't do, and this one forbidden was something I did.

Other unspeakables that are far more current include my involvement with a website that I was all wrapped up in. I spent MOST of my free time (and some that wasn't so free) investing in this place. I made a few friends. Took a trip. Then the season passed and I found myself uninterested. I realized through a few incidents that online is not REAL for many people. That the personae people put on there was not who they really were. I removed myself from the center stage and still occasionally checked in to see what was up. Now, a few months later I shake my head. The behavior of some people is so sickening to me. Even typing that word I worry. How sad is that? I worry about the repercussions of typing my opinion on my own personal blog. But what I discovered is that there are some people in this world that just aren't good. You know? Aren't wholesome, aren't above board, twist things, aren't decent.

Now I'm far, far, far from perfect, I can't even see perfect from where I'm at, but I hope that the real me comes through, that I try to keep things decent, even if they are a bit raw. I worry that in pandering to that group I stepped outside of myself and did things I will regret. Said things that weren't true to me and my beliefs. I hope I didn't, but I guess without analyzing every word I can't be sure.

Another unspeakable I've been dealing with lately is friendship. I know, what is unspeakable about friendship? Well, things like loyalty. What does it all mean? And really taking a hard look at myself and realizing how hard I fight to keep people at arms length. And looking at why. Looking at all the people who were supposed to love me without reserve, who judged, abandoned and discouraged me. I had a breakdown a few weeks ago and admitted that the only person in my WHOLE LIFE who has stood by me through thick and thin is Scott. That is SCARY. Scary because that is too many people who ditched out on me. Scary because losing Scott means losing that one person who I feel I can totally trust. Scary because it puts a lot of pressure on him, you know? There are others in my life right now that I believe care about me and that I want to trust. But I'm afraid. So I push them away. Its a "me first" mentality, doing it before they do it to me. Ugh. I know what I need to do. I need to reframe my trust to be in God alone. I know that in fully meditating and focusing on the fact that God is all I need, that I am filled up by His love and grace, is what will save me from this fear.

So, what are your unspeakables? What are the things that keep you up some nights, but you just don't feel like its okay to get them out there.