Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Unspeakable

This is THAT post. The one that talks about the things we are not to talk about. The unspeakable things. What in your life is "off limits"? What things are you afraid to share?

I was raised in a home where the list of unspeakables was L O N G. I mean like train long. I mean like DNA strand long. Posting that fact right there is one of my unspeakables. It is not/was not okay to talk about the way I was raised with anything other than glowing praise. I don't know why. I'm not sure what would have happened if I had talked. Probably nothing. Or a little disapproval, but nothing serious. So I didn't not because of what the consequences might be, but I just didn't...because.

Like music. I didn't listen to "popular" music for the most part growing up. I didn't blast rock tunes from the radio in my bedroom. I just didn't. Was I forbidden to? I don't think so, but I'm just not sure. I just knew that it wasn't done.

I really only remember one command I received from my parents of something I was NOT to was that I was NOT to have sex before I was married. Maybe they did better with the subtle approach, because it was the things I "just knew" not to do that I didn't do, and this one forbidden was something I did.

Other unspeakables that are far more current include my involvement with a website that I was all wrapped up in. I spent MOST of my free time (and some that wasn't so free) investing in this place. I made a few friends. Took a trip. Then the season passed and I found myself uninterested. I realized through a few incidents that online is not REAL for many people. That the personae people put on there was not who they really were. I removed myself from the center stage and still occasionally checked in to see what was up. Now, a few months later I shake my head. The behavior of some people is so sickening to me. Even typing that word I worry. How sad is that? I worry about the repercussions of typing my opinion on my own personal blog. But what I discovered is that there are some people in this world that just aren't good. You know? Aren't wholesome, aren't above board, twist things, aren't decent.

Now I'm far, far, far from perfect, I can't even see perfect from where I'm at, but I hope that the real me comes through, that I try to keep things decent, even if they are a bit raw. I worry that in pandering to that group I stepped outside of myself and did things I will regret. Said things that weren't true to me and my beliefs. I hope I didn't, but I guess without analyzing every word I can't be sure.

Another unspeakable I've been dealing with lately is friendship. I know, what is unspeakable about friendship? Well, things like loyalty. What does it all mean? And really taking a hard look at myself and realizing how hard I fight to keep people at arms length. And looking at why. Looking at all the people who were supposed to love me without reserve, who judged, abandoned and discouraged me. I had a breakdown a few weeks ago and admitted that the only person in my WHOLE LIFE who has stood by me through thick and thin is Scott. That is SCARY. Scary because that is too many people who ditched out on me. Scary because losing Scott means losing that one person who I feel I can totally trust. Scary because it puts a lot of pressure on him, you know? There are others in my life right now that I believe care about me and that I want to trust. But I'm afraid. So I push them away. Its a "me first" mentality, doing it before they do it to me. Ugh. I know what I need to do. I need to reframe my trust to be in God alone. I know that in fully meditating and focusing on the fact that God is all I need, that I am filled up by His love and grace, is what will save me from this fear.

So, what are your unspeakables? What are the things that keep you up some nights, but you just don't feel like its okay to get them out there.


Robin (Tqmnurse) said...

wow!!! u just said so eloquntly everything i have been feeling for so long!!!! I too spent wayyyyy too much time on a particular site...thought I had friends..but realized that things aren't always what they seem in the cyber world.
Hope you are getting better and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I think you are full of shit. For someone known as "keeping it real" you don't. One thing almost everyone, who has meet you on line, knows is you love the drama. You love creating it and you love to see when others are having problems in the real life because it makes you feel better. Grow up.

Msippi said...

Minda, I have always loved you. I miss you on the site. I probably spend too much time there also. I have not been doing it so much lately. I found out after the TTR that there must be some people who are not what I think they are, but I am better off not knowing who. I am sorry you have been disappointed. I do still follow your blog because I think you are a beautiful person and I want to know what is going on with you. I am glad you put this out there.

Shan said...

Minda, I care for you and I think this post is wonderful. My mama was raised in a similar situation so I know this post must have been quite difficult. I appreciate your candor.

Joni Kix said...

Minda, it was so great to hear from you. You're one of the few people I miss from TS. With the hundreds of people that I've met online, I only keep in touch with three, none of who I've met in person. I believe that they really are who they seem to be. And I would like to mee them some day.

I know what you mean about spending so much time online. It's like living in two worlds... the real world an a virtual world. The virtual world is like my son's video games... NOT REAL, but so easy to get sucked into and lost.

I still like browsing online galleries for ideas and joining in MBs to talk about scrapping (since I don't have IRL scrapping friends), but I'm not an active member of an online community anymore... I found that there is a community around me in the real world that I would rather join.

Michelle said...

Well said, dear! And I just noticed that you've been following my blog, so thanks for that :)

Take care,

Breann said...

i heart you.

Pinky said...

Wow, what a mess!
People are never as they seem.

Jan said...

Gosh! I usually check in every day for the most part and I've missed all of this! I'm so sorry, Minda! I miss you a lot and I hope that whoever or whatever the problem is will go away. People can be so mean and forget that it's just people talking on line and it's something they don't have to be a part of if they aren't happy. Wow!

{raisingAlexis} said...

wow ... I was at the TTR and still don't know what the drama was, but glad I missed it.

Minda, I know I haven't been to your blog lately, but I think you are a sweet lady and am glad to call you friend.

rachel whetzel said...

There are always people you will hit it off with, and those you will not. On line or off. So sorry that you've felt left down by those of us you've met IRL.

rachel whetzel said...

ummmm that's LET down... lol not left down.

latte_grande said...

Minda, first of all I wanted to let you know that I've taken my own leave of absence from the web (Facebook excluded), and I hope you don't think I've been neglecting you personally. Secondly, I'm so glad to have actually met you...I can HEAR this post in your voice, and I think your heart comes through loud and clear. You are a friend to me...then, now and always.


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